Yep. I broke my first rule at crossfit: don’t cry. I don’t like crying in front of people. But there I was: crying. I don’t mind crying at home in front of the TV watching “This is Us.” (By the way, there is not one episode of that show that hasn’t made me cry) But in front of people I don’t know, and even in front of people I do know, I hate crying. I have an ugly cry face for one, and I also don’t like showing weakness.
That’s what I ultimately learned today: I don’t like being weak. I cry when I get sick, which is a terrible idea, but I do, but it’s because I feel weak. I cry when I’m frustrated with myself, because I feel weak. I cry when I can’t do something and I want to be able to do it now, because that shows my weaknesses. I cry when I feel out of control of my own situation; again, a sign of weakness. I hate feeling weak or worthless in any way, because ultimately I know I’m not. I don’t like being vulnerable to criticism or failure. I am my own worst enemy. If you really know me, you know that is probably the most accurate statement I could ever say about myself. I will beat myself up harder than you ever will. It’s a defense mechanism, and it’s also my need to be perfect. And not perfect perfect, but perfect in my eyes.
Crossfit is one of the scariest things I’ve ever done, and I play roller derby. But I’ll tell you what, I cried after almost every practice for the first 3 months after I started roller derby. I waited until I got in the car, and I balled my eyes out. I never wanted those tough, bad ass derby girls to see me cry. They have, by the way. I’ve definitely gotten hurt and frustrated in the last 7 years, and they’ve seen it. But they’re my family now, so I’m less concerned with showing my weakness in front of them, because I know they love me and support me. That doesn’t mean the crossfit community doesn’t support me. They absolutely do. My coach Greta is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She pushes me in a supportive and loving way, and I thank God that she’s there every morning at 7am with a smile on her face. But besides Greta, Hunter, and my best friends JK and Gaia, I don’t know anyone else. And I’m not very social when I’m working out. I actually prefer to put on headphones and be left alone when I work out. So this is a whole new ball game for me.
I’m still learning this crossfit thing; every day Greta throws something at me that I’ve never heard of before. And that’s scary. But I have a great support system, and I have the will to learn. So I’ll probably cry at Crossfit a few more times, which is super embarrassing and ugly, but at least I got up at 6am and did something I’ve never done before. And hopefully I’ll be back to my skinny self again soon. Except when I am, I’ll know how the difference between a snatch and a clean.